The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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