is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
