You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
