matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
