I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
