I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
