I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
