So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
