Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
