Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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