I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
