Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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