Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You left your phone here
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