I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
