I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
