you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Boobs are out for the taking
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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