mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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