My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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