I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
