there's paper in my vomit.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
