Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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