Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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