so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
