If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
