Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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