he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You need Xanax blowdarts
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
