So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
