You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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