If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
