I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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