yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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