Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
