her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
