Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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