dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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