I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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