My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
