I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
