I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
