apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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