Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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