I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize