i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
where are my eyebrows?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize