I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
