my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
