Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Best friends brother. Beat that.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
