it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
