He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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