if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize