My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
