R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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