Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize