oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
