The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
