my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
