I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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