she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
