I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
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