Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize