we're chasing vodka with high fives
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize