u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
