I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
