My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up under a house in Key West
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