my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
