Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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